Please fix me

Lord,

I want to write, but first I come to you.
I grope my way through tangible surroundings to find You--
the essence of You--
and find that first, I must tap into the essence of me.

The essence of me hides in physical needs.
It gets layered in distractions.
Sometimes, I cover it on purpose because I can't stand how weak, how ugly how distorted it is.
Something in me despises that weakness. Something in me wants to cry out, "Ugly!" and place that ugliness on a billboard so passersby can join in the jeer.

Something in me wants to cloak the ugliness in status quo.
Or busyness.
And go about life with the ugliness, the lack, the weakness as the mobilizing force.

That is when I get in so much trouble.
I bluster about, clamoring: I am strong. I am beautiful. I am worthy.

You can get through a day doing that!
A trend, a culture can be mobilized when enough folks cry out: I am strong. I am beautiful--white strips have topped off my beauty. I am worthy--I wear designer jeans.

But for me, it works better to come before God--the essence of me meeting the Essence of Life--in quiet--and say, "Please fix me."

And sometimes, He gives me something to write.